A wandering Ramble

His_allycat
May 4, 2020
4 min read

Today was a hard day. For the both of U/us. Caused by me as always. I know I still have tears to release.

I don't know what my point of writing is at the moment, I just want to.

If you read my first post, you will know that my Master chased me for a year, before I gave into Him. Many times I wanted to give in earlier.

I hold a reason as to why I'm stuck in Australia, as I would be on the first plane over to see Him if I was able.

It's one reason I took so long to give in to Him, and the other is O/our online only status. I knew I don't give by halves, so until I fully decided I could do this, I kept shying away.

The combination of these doesn't affect me when life in general is easy peasy, and I have all the time in the world to give to Him.

But when life gets stressful, such as now, the most stressed I have possibly been in my adult life, then these things make my life harder.

I'm sure I probably notice them more when I'm stressed, maybe nothing actually changes. But then, they are just things that further prevent ease of happiness.

So anyway. It came to a head for me last night. Lying in bed, unable to sleep. My bed feeling so incredibly empty, and with isolation, no hugs or interactions with people on the horizon any time soon. I guess that compounded my feelings again.

My morning online class was terrible, and I ended up wound like a rubber band afterwards.

Master was online, and I felt that damn block again. Making it hard to speak. He knew, almost straight away.

So many thoughts running through my head, I didn't know where to start. There was no chain of thoughts, they were just running crazily, scattering all through my head.

Finally after what felt like unconnected problems being voiced, He started to be able to steer me. So patient and calm He is. It feels like such a luxury, being given space to breathe, let it out and get sorted. A luxury I have never had before.

Long story short, I'm worn out. I don't have enough time for everything, including things that I actually want to give time to. I love to give, I really do, I give to a detriment of myself sometimes. This is a large part of why I am a slave really.

But unlike Master, who is THE most generous person I have ever met, I sometimes run out of give. And for Him, I feel terrible. This is not what I want, for Him. He deserves everything. All the happiness. All the peace. And all the care.

So He has again accommodated me, and the stress in my life at the moment.

But it's unfair. Why should He have to miss out on me. Really. Im not saying I'm anything special, but He chooses me for... happiness 🤷‍♀️. So why should He miss out on His right to His life.

Anyway. We sorted this out. But two things are still bubbling at me.

I love this man way too much
It is damn hard not being with your soul mate

He is my soul mate. He is the first person to ever understand me. To see what happens in my heart, and to feel what makes me tick. Well, when I signed up as His, I had no idea this would happen.

And it's partially due to this, as to why I love Him so much. That, and I love His heart. I love His thoughtfulness for so many people. His understanding and forgiveness for so many people. His patience. I love that He feels deeply. I'm sure He feels more than He tells me, but I feel it sometimes. He is such a rare... gem for want of a more suitable word.

So, this is how I feel my love for Him is sometimes a burden for Him to deal with. It makes this highly independent girl needy. I did warn Him early on that I love hard, but even I didn't know I would fall like this.

It is frustratingly hard, to know that I may never get to meet Him, let alone be with Him. And it annoys the heck out of me, that I can't seem to put this aside. This hadn't been something I considered when I signed up to be His - I really thought we would drift somewhere between 3 to 6 months.

I think surely life didn't go to so much trouble to bring us together, for this to be it. But this is obviously not something I'll ever know till the end.

Deep deep down my insecurities tell Me that this is not something He wishes, even though He voices otherwise in response to me. Again, probably not something I'll ever know. But I try to remind myself, that everyday He could not turn on that computer. Everyday He could decide for many reasons He's tired of this and I'm no longer required. Mainly that gets me through.

So anyway. I guess, all I can do, is keep telling Him how I feel, and keep apologising when I feel I'm a problem. And try to make sure He knows that I don't take Him for granted. In the hopes that He will keep overlooking my rollercoaster. And in the process keep hoping I just don't weigh Him down. I just don't want that. I don't want that for Him. I don't want to be the reason He feels that.

Maybe I worry too much. But I've never had something I've wanted to keep this badly really. I've not wanted to lose someone before, but I've not wanted to keep someone like this before.

*Edit the following day.

Master had a draining day today. But we had one of those conversations that I live for:

girl: that is true

and Iove who you are

I'm so thankful and appreciative

Master: I love you

girl: yeah. I'm glad I give you something that is fulfiling, as I think You especially deserve the world

Master: awwwwwwww

I don't deserve anything

girl: I can understand that. but. still, I would give it to You if I could.

Master: I know baby

I love the way you love Me