Corked

Sometimes it seems, my feelings become so strong, or I become too busy to be able to let them out properly.

So they all jam up in me, and I just can't seem to speak anymore (which I'm always talking about my feelings to Master). My head is full, and nothing will leak out.

This is often the time I need pain to release my blockage, it lets my tears flow (later when I'm alone), and finally my thoughts and feelings start to flow again.

Or occasionally, this would go on for some time, my self worth would plummet, and I would seek a man that would use me, and leave me feeling used. Again, allowing the tears to start.

So this happened today.

I had been feeling the need to feel Master's power over me of late, it puts me back in my place, and calms my mind back down again. Everything feels as it should be again. But I've been too caught up with several issues in life, and haven't felt connected to Master when we have spoken... so hence why I've started to feel ungrounded.

And then today, I just got corked up.

I hate it, cos I know it's not fair on Master, lack of communication, but I just literally become paralysed.

So He tried to help me, and at first nothing was working.

And then he made an offer to me, that has been quite some time since this was spoken about. He offered I go find someone to mess around with, for the release I need.

This is poignant to me for a couple of reasons:

1. That one of my rules is He does not share me with anyone. I won't speak about His reasons, simply for His privacy, but I knew this was no light offer.

2. That when I first agreed to be His, I had a feeling that I may need something like that for an outlet. I'm a highly sexual girl, I think about sexual gratification in many ways, often, not only for myself, but I enjoy giving pleasure.

So with 1, W/we have already been down this path. It was agreed I could early in O/our relationship. For a while I felt happy, just knowing it was an option that I didn't have to worry about. After a couple of months, I felt the need building, and I thought about it for many weeks. How could I sleep with someone, without lying to Master, but doing it tactfully as to not rub salt in a wound. After a while, I had not come up with a solution, as I thought it impossible, so instead, started looking for somebody. And then if I found somebody who accepted my situation - that Master is my first priority - then I would consider it again.

I had found someone interesting, but after a while, I just realised I couldn't go through with it. My heart was not free to do so. And it would still feel incredibly wrong and dirty. It was not who I wanted to be with.

So I let it be, and still months down the track, nothing changed. So I finally told Master that this wasn't an option anymore, I was completely His girl. I choose to just be His only.

So after His offer again today, I simply said that wasn't an option. He said He wouldn't offer this to anyone else that He had owned... I took as meaning I am special to Him and He wants me to be happy. I also replied, that it was probably as we are online - if He could fix me Himself, He would have no need to offer. He said some have also been online, but it was not an option for them. I asked why it was for me then? I was partially worried that I was different in a bad way, or an unmanageable way I guess.

His answer showed a deep deep faith in my love and respect for Him, and acknowledged my level of love and my devotion to Him.

I was quite flawed honestly. My cork finally popped.

For me, I've not ever felt so strongly connected with anyone before, and I've tried to express this to Him, a couple of times. Always feeling like there just aren't words big enough, and it has sounded hollow.

I just said, the fact that I don't even flirt with anyone online, really is a big thing for me. I even become addicted to that, but I won't risk losing Master for a bit of fun. He is far too precious to me.

And through this whole conversation, He acknowledged number 2 in me also. I just don't think I have an ordinary girl's sex drive. I can't tell you how many men have become sick of me wanting to play lol. Incredibly frustrating.

It plays on my mind, that even though my heart has made a choice, my brain then followed, it's already been 2 years since I last had sex, and I'm waiting now for goodness knows when, if ever lol. It's a funny battle, I have a choice, but I don't have a choice. My brain knows this, knows this is unlike me, to go so long. Somehow this acknowledgement from Him, takes some weight out of it.

So anyway, I just felt inspired to share this small part of my day. It had such a deep connection through it, O/our I love you's felt bottomless today.

And I'm really, just overwhelmed so often, by His level of care for me. He never let's me drown. Even when I'm so difficult.

PS. I don't think I I could have found a more perfect picture for today. I know He gives the best cuddles in the world, and I was feeling them today 🥰